melancholia

Tittade på Alice in Wonderland idag (en barnfilm? vadå för barnfil?). The Cheshire Cat har alltid varit min favorit, tillsammans med The Mad Hatter. Och.. hmm... Jag skrev detta (ja, det är copyright på det).

Wonderland

i.

She falls and falls and wait, why isn't she waking up now? No. She keeps falling. She can't see anything, just a blur of bookshelves and cabinets and stars, the universe as it slips past her fingers and she falls. That it isn't dark is her first realization. That she can think coherently is her second.

She falls and she falls, and after realizing that she resigned herself to following the rabbit as soon as she closed her eyes, she gives up and waits. She doesn't know what she is waiting for, to wake up, or to land.

--

She can see the grin in the darkness, before she anything else. She thinks that she knows.

"A-" she begins but a gloved hand silences her.

"You know who I am." The Cat smiles at her, smiles and the dark tail moves back and forth in lazy anticipation. "You know where we are. But." And the Cat stops, and the smile is gone and all Alice can see in the not-quite darkness are two eyes that already know every single thing she is going to do and has done. I know. Just as quickly, the smile is back, the eyes are dancing and Alice blinks, because she cannot have made that up. "But, do you know why we are where we are?"

Alice shakes her head, and there again is that pause, that calculation, before the smile that is not a smile, "Because," and the voice is lower, "we are all mad here."

And then the Cat is gone, and Alice tries to remember-something, anything, but the smile is the only thing left.

--

The smoke makes Alice cough, but she bats it all away to see the dark figure.

The caterpillar reclines peacefully, only raising an eyebrow when Alice steps closer.

"And who are you?" Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? And yet, from those lips, there are no inflections and Alice does not know what the meaning is anymore.

"I don't know who I am." She expects sarcasm, perhaps an acerbic remark. But there is neither sympathy nor contempt in the obsidian eyes.

"Then you have a lot to search for." She can only nod.

--

Alice sits in the chair across from the most impassive being ever. N-no. The Mad Hatter. She thinks she understands.

The Hatter sips the tea peacefully in the silence and places the cup on the saucer without a clink. Alice stares.

"Why are you the mad hatter?"

The laughter could have been genuine or caustic. "You can't tell? I have played with far too much mercury."

And then Alice is sent back. Mercury, mercury, the Cat. The Cat drove the Hatter mad. Or maybe sane? The Cat's smile is still in her mind, flitting out of focus when she thinks she has captured the image, slipping through like quicksilver drops racing away to find something interesting.

The Hatter smiles, "Would you like some tea?" We are all mad here. We are all mad here. We are all mad here.

--

She chases and chases the white rabbit, but can never reach him.

She tries and tries and runs down the roads and gets hopelessly lost in a sea of teatime cakes and bottles that say "drink me." Drink me, drink me, I'm not poison. As if she weren't poisoning herself enough already. Drink me, drink me. Alright, she shall. And she does and then she sees the world through the eyes of a mouse, the world that is so bright and big and she doesn't know why she thought the world was ever ordinary. How could she think that? If the world was ordinary, then Alice would be ordinary. And ordinary girls don't chase white rabbits.

--

Alice is lost. Alice stares.

"Which way should I go?" she asks the disappearing-reappearing figure that she has given up trying to focus on.

"That all depends on where you want to go."

"I just want to go somewhere." Alice cries, frustrated with the riddles. She doesn't understand anymore. She doesn't know what to think.

"We all go somewhere. You can get somewhere." The Cat talks like he's a patient teacher. And Alice stopped scowling-she doesn't understand. She knows better than to try to understand. Instead, she listens like she's a patient pupil.

"How do I do that?"

"Just place one foot in front of the other."

"Then, where will I go?"

The Cat smiles. He's not telling.

--

The next time she meets the Hatter she is on trial.

The Hatter is still impassive. He does not take off his hat when he bows to the queen, and somehow keeps his head intact. It's quite alright, it's quite alright. I'm just mad you see. And Alice tries. She tries her hardest.

"You can't be mad. If you're like everyone else, then no one is mad." But the Hatter just looks and gives an almost smile and Alice doesn't know whether or not he is amused or just shocked by the dreadful accusation that he might just be sane.

--

The White Rabbit is nothing like how Alice expected him to be.

He looks at her and the others as if he's the only sane one surrounded by madmen. Alice is beginning to think she agrees. The rabbit looks at her with clear grey eyes and listens to her argument. And matches every point with a counterpoint.

"I don't belong here."

"And yet, here you are."

"If I only knew which way to go."

No, The White Rabbit says. Listen to Logic, the White Rabbit says, Listen to Reason. Think rationally, young lady. And Alice says that she is, why doesn't he listen and the White Rabbit blinks and looks at his pocket watch.

"You are running out of time," he mutters. But his watch has stopped at quarter to three. Alice looks at the White Rabbit's grey eyes and realizes that she is looking at the clarity of madness. Silly little girl, we are all mad here.

--

The Queen of Hearts is cold and cruel and heartless.

She looks over Alice and tosses her head and continues to recline in her throne.

"You can't entertain me." She doesn't smile, Alice feels like she has never smiled-no, that isn't right-the Queen must have smiled sometime, but now it's gone. The dark ringlets that frame her face catch the light as she leans forward. "Tell me why I shouldn't behead you."

"Please?" Alice asks. And the Queen blinks and let's go of her staff and her "Off with her head"s and invites her to a game.

"Can you play chess?"

"No." Alice is never timid, she is never quiet, but something in the Queen makes her sad and lonely. Very well. No chess, then.

Alice tries to play her games, but she has never played croquet with flamingos, and mustn't it hurt, to be used as a mallet on hard wooden balls across blades of grass? They are blades of grass after all. And they seem to be dripping with blood.

"Oh no, that's not blood. That's paint." Alice blinks and looks up at the roses dripping red paint and says nothing. Alice knows better than to say anything at all, because-

As they were leaving the palace, Alice glanced up at the beautiful florid queen and saw her gazing silently at another throne. There is no King of Hearts.

--

When Alice wakes up she sees the eyes of her sister. Calm cerulean meets a wild sapphire.

"Alice! Alice! You were sleeping! Was it a dream? Or a nightmare?"

"It was both." Alice whispers, giddy on insanity and wisdom, "Both."

Her sister blinks, Alice's eyes are still wild and glowing with something she can't describe. "Alice, you're acting quite...
mad."

And then Alice laughs, suddenly she is older-younger than she ever was-has been-will be-"It's okay sister," she whisper-screams, "we're all mad."

The next day her sister passes it off as reading too much fairytales. Alice waits until she leaves to look at the mirror with brilliant eyes.

---

Jag vet att detta inte är helt korrekt, om man går efter filmen, och att det finns en King of Hearts, men han är en pushover, så jag ignorerade honom.