melancholia

i daydream dusk and diamonds, of what destiny
might mean. i don't deny dishonesty.

i. i drip my identity like oil between
your fingers and these crucifix eyes. i am a goddess. i am
irreverent. i am the product of society,
craving cheap motels and satin sheets. each month
i bleed away another faceless child.

ii. a hundred years from now
here she'll bring flowers to the funeral. she'll say
what a pity - such a shame -
and never tell them she kissed me during
my apocalypse. she won't tell them how
it felt on a warm november night.
(what a pity... such a shame.)

ask me who i am and i'll always answer 'anyone
else'. i aspire to anonymity.

iii. sometimes it feels like i'm too late, like
the whole world has passed me by. but even if it has
i'm still sitting here with my syllables and word counts.
i spend my time thinking about
all the girls i'll never be. i wonder what they're doing.

iv. if i were them i'd look at the world
through the electric eyes. live like new york city,
neon lights & showgirl shine. i'd wake up to the sunrise
and yoga and vanilla cappuccino: i'd eat candied apples
and wear my hair down. at night i would run the streets:
breathe in copper-teardrops breathe out indigo-anger.

there's a temptress in me, a tramp with teasing eyes;
she's got a crease in her smile like crumpled tinfoil.

v. & i'll remember that when she slapped me i
hissed cat-sharp, snarled until we smiled again.
when no one else believes me
i'll know the truth, that it was my fault
as much as hers, that i'll never be able to blame
her for her anger. i'll remember
that if we parted, it was smiling. it was because

vi. i wanted more than suburbia, than life on the sidelines.
i wanted to move in a sway of stilettos, to entertain
a room full of smoke and shadows. i wanted somebody to loveloveLOVE me;
i wanted crazybeautiful babies. i read them stephen king
& shakespeare. i gave them names
but they decide who they are.

here i am, sinning six ways to sunday and singing
in the shower. somehow i'll shed this scarecrow skin.

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Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get out of here, and what will happen if I don't.